A Hell of a Day

00:18
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

Posted for and on behalf of cam


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears. 
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve…and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

POSTED FOR AND ON BEHALF OF CAM
Read On 8 comments

ANOTHER SHITTY DAY

18:49





Another Shitty Day
I was looking forward to finally having a quiet day 
then..in the morning, the maid showed up....

Then, UPS arrived...



Then I had forgotten to shop for groceries
so I had to run down to the store and stare
at shoppers for an hour...


On my way back, these biker bitches

attacked me...




I couldn't even get into the kitchen
because my wife's bridge club
was preparing lunch!


Couldn't even grab a beer because everyone
had their heads stuck in my fridge....


I headed for my " Man Cave " but the painter
was still working.



I decided to go fishing with my buddy,
but some girls showed up scaring all the
fish away!



So I headed home to take a dip in the pool
yep, wife's bridge club was still hanging around...



I was going to the office, but my car
wouldn't start, so I had to call my Mechanic!


Finally I got to my last refuge,
my office, but no privacy there either,
my secretary was sleeping on the job!


Shitty Day Man !!!


   
Read On 8 comments

FRIDAY FUN

15:36



ASK AUNT NASTY


Dear Aunt Nasty,
I have a girl that I'm banging, she lives in the next state, about 350
miles from me, I see her about once a month, and we have a great sexual
relationship and are in love, she is planning on moving in with me this
summer. the problem is oral sex, in that she will not give it to me, I
know she does not like to suck, and this is something that I feel I need
to have a long term relationship work. I could probably coerce her into
doing it, but knowing her heart wasn't into it would probably destroy
the fun in it for me. should I tell her not to move in here with me, and
end the relationship? or should I just let her move here and hope thinks
work out?
Gene

Dear Gene,

My Goodness!! I sometimes think the world has lost all sense of
reality... Your letter is so full of contradictive statements, that I
must insist, you need to seek help for your problem. You obviously
don't know if you are coming or going. How can you have a great sexual
relationship, if you are not getting what you need?
How can you say you are in love, when you are already ending the
relationship before she even moves in?? Oh yeah and since when did a
woman's enjoyment or the lack thereof, make any difference in your
enjoyment of it. Just close your eyes and fantasize. Be a MAN!

And after you receive help from a good therapist...remember Aunt Nasty
loves oral sex, and is reputed to give the best head this side of the
atlantic...
Aunt Nasty




Dear Auntie,
This matter is getting old. (maybe that's the problem) My problemis
still that LEG. You know the one that doesn't want to help much.It seems
that now more than ever it's being LAZY.
Please tell me, how can I get it motivated? Or what do you suggest I do
to encourage it? And don't tell me VIAGRA, the last thing it needs is a
crutch.

Signed
Kansas K_ _ _ _ _

Dear Kansas,
You poor poor thing...You are in terrible shape, aren't you?? There is
an old adage that says "Use it, or lose it!" The more you exercise that
leg, the more you will be able to use it. I suggest that you start by
stroking it at least a little each day, until such time that you have
"assistance". AND I would never suggest Viagra,
If I can't get a man hard by "natural" means then it means he is either
dead or homosexual, and with my oral talents, even the gays don't stand
a chance. I would suggest you cum see me, but from your letters I don't
think you would be "up" to satisfying my voracious hunger! But if you
start a regular "exercise" regime, you might be
able to build up the "stamina to go the distance."

Aunt Nasty


Arnold
 
A blonde guy goes to the big football game, he has great seats on
the 50 yard line, 8 rows up, perfect.

Just before kickoff he hears someone behind him yelling,

"Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!"

He turns around and misses the kickoff! A short while later, just
as the quarterback throws a long bomb, the same guy starts
yelling,

"Hey Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!!"

Again he turns around and again he misses the play

This goes on for every big play. He hears the guy shouting,

"Hey Arnold, look up here!" He turns around and misses the play.

Finally, fuming mad, he turns around, pulls out his binoculars
and scans the crowd for the guy doing all the yelling. He
eventually spots him, after missing yet another big play. He runs
up the stands, nearly to the top of the stadium. Pulls the guy
out into the aisle, picks him up by the lapels and shouts,

"Shut-up, my name isn't Arnold!!"
 
+++++
 
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."




Read On 5 comments

Alternative Ways To Say No :

13:33



Alternative Ways To Say No :

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of
his head caves in!
 
I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
 
I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
 
I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
 
I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.


 
I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
 
I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.
 
I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.
 
I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.
 
I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.
I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

I would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.


 
Read On 4 comments

FRIDAY FUN

05:23


Read Upon Bathroom Walls
 
"This is a teepee
where you peepee.
This is not a wigwam
where you beat your tomtom."
(Submitted via email; location not specified)
lll

"Here I sit in a misty vapor
Some damn fool stole the toilet paper
My bus is late and I cannot linger
Lookout butt here comes my finger"
(From a bus station bathroom in Philadelphia)
lll

"This is where Napoleon blew his bone apart"(Scratched into the wood barrier between urinals in
a Bodega bay campsite bathroom)
lll

"I fu*ked your Mom"
(written underneath) "Go home dad you're drunk."
(Somewhere in Orlando, FL)
lll

"Those who write on shithouse walls roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read those words of wit, eat those little balls of shit."
(A men's restroom in Sierra College, Rocklin, CA)
lll

"If a tree falls in the forest, and there's nobody
around to hear it - who gives a fu*k?"
A men's room in an Atlanta bookstore
lll
 
(arrow pointing to toilet paper dispenser)
"Turban repair kit"
(Porta toilet, Pittsburgh, PA)
lll

(Written on the front of a condom machine)
"This gum tastes like shit!"
(Booches Bar and Grill, University of Missouri,Columbia)
lll




"Hi, I'm Gonorrhea.
Have a seat and I'll be right with you"
(Submitted via email; location not specified)
lll

"There was an old man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis,
and awoke in a boat full of goo."
(On a bathroom wall in the Coz Chemical building,
Northbridge MA)

lll

"Here I sit broken hearted
paid a dime only farted.
Second time took a chance,
saved my dime shit my pants."
(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)
lll

"In the days of old
when knights were bold
and toilets weren't invented.
They'd drop there load
by the road
and ride away contented."
(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)
lll

"BEER DRINKERS LAMENT:
I sit inside this dim lit stall,
and scribe these words upon the wall
For relief has come to me alas
cause I've expelled some noxious gas.
And the reason for this woeful wit,
Is I loaded up my pants with shit."

lll
 
"Fix this toilet!"
The response: "We're actors, not plumbers."
The response to the response: "Then act like plumbers."
(At a playhouse theatre in Boston)
lll

"Did you know that this porcelain instrument upon
which you are sitting is
really a very powerful telescope?
Spread your legs and stick your head down
between them.
Look way down and over to the back.
There! See it? Uranus!"
lll
 
"Here I sit, same as ever
Took a shit, pulled the lever
The toilet clogged, the water flowed
Look out world, its the motherload"
lll

It's a wonderous thing the magnificent turd
to describe beauty there's nary a word
some may float while others may sink
but if you pluck them out there'll all going to stink(Lnwood IL. police department latrine.)
lll



"Shithouse poets when they die
should have erected where they lie
in memory of their caustic wit
a monument of solid shit"
(No location specified)
lll
"If you want to crap at ease
put both elbows on your knees
give a grunt,and give a squeeze
and out will come like rotten cheese."
(Men's room at Old Sturbridge Village in Sturbridge, Massachusetts)
lll

"Here lies the bones of screwy Rick
Cursed at death with a corkscrew dick
Spent his life in a futile hunt
To find a girl with a corkscrew cunt
He found that girl, but now he is dead
The no account bitch had a left-hand thread."
(In a bar long since closed in Greensburg, PA)
Read On 4 comments

FUN TIMES

05:11





\
Household Repairs

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"
She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
_______

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink. After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy’s head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small. The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her. She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head.


Pete And Martin

A well dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??"

Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don`t think I know you"

The second man said "You do, it`s me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down"

Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened Martin??"

Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete. All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??"

Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that.

I bought a three story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman.

On the second floor homo sex - you know, men shagging men- , and on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children.

I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work : just me, the wife and the kids."
______________

The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news
and some bad news."
She asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you
aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd
feared."
"And the bad news?" Mandy asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for
being a natural bitch."

How To Fuck Like A Black Dude

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he
asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "It is all a matter of fuckin'. When you
white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!
It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman,
we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in
slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs
you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with
his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife
until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but
very slowly and very gently.

"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a
black guy?"



Girls, they say the hand is quicker than the eye...
So, quick, come over here and jerk me off. No one will see you!


A guy pulls up to a little girl playing on the sidewalk and says, "Hey,
little girl, want a lollipop?"
The girl says, "My mommy told me not to take candy from strangers. But if you give me twenty bucks, I'll suck your cock."
A guy's driving by a field and sees a cow kneeling and praying and a
rabbit fucking a cat.
He says, "Holy cow, look at the hare on that pussy."

Read On 9 comments


Ask to join here



Popular Posts