Your honor, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on porch on a
warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your
Honor.

So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.
Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my
old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Son of a
Bitch!!



*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."



*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the
memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country western music.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

PENISCILLIN
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines
as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALl
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book
by Dr. Laura.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

SEXCEDRIN
More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache" syndrome.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging
him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.



Why Men Get Out Of Bed:
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get
out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace..

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please

accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the

hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,

but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


(You've gotta love this .)


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.

========

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

========

Q: What's the first sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: He puts the return address on the ransom note.

Q: What's the second sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: When your parents ask for proof that you're alive, he sends you home to tell them.

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you

Bless his hair that tends to curl

Keep him safe from all the girls

Bless his arms that are so strong

Keep his hands where they belong

Bless his dick, the one i sucked

Bless the bed, in which we fucked

And if my mum happened to walk in

Bless the shit i'd be in.

Very Important Info

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 4-5 inches long when erect; no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth. Incidentally the average vaginal capactity is
Only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong.

3) 80% of American men are circumsized, though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say nothing but time can make your penis grow. (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.

+Some stuff on the ladies+

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves "attractive" (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say
They have "average" looks, 8% prefer the term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking", and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of women say they are "sexy".

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.

+Both+

1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women.

2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.

4) Teens are most likely to have sex for the first time in June.

5) First-time intercourse is often unplanned, meaning it's less likely teens will use contraception.

6) Virginity is often lost with a person they haven't been dating.

+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women
Who don't have sex.

4) Makes you look better; problem is that ugly people don't get any. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.


Did You Know?
1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!!!!